Advice from all corners

By Sister Lilian for Baby City 2019

Never before have you been given so much ‘free’ advice, as since the new addition to the family was on his way! Not to mention since the birth! The question is, at what hidden cost does that advice really come?

When a woman makes known that a baby is expected, or she has recently given birth, a strange wave of female power is let loose that would let most wedding preparations pale into insignificance, which is really saying something! This formidable energy is somewhat more intangible than wedding fever, which sets in motion more project oriented, practical task accomplishment activity. Sure, there is some of that with the imminent arrival of a baby, but mostly it’s a gathering of the clans to inform a woman of what she is in for, how she should do ‘it’ what the storyteller’s experience was, how difficult pregnancy, birth and babies are and why things are going wrong at any point. A gossip columnist or the paparazzi could take a few lessons from an expectant woman or new mother’s circle of family and friends, as to how to stir up emotion!

In pregnancy
We all know that sensation sells and most of us cannot resist hearing and passing on some or other juicy bit of news. While maybe not actively wishing someone else ill, some people are secretly relieved when they hear of the misfortune of others, almost as if it safeguards themselves from bad luck. Others want to know all they can to try and decide how they can avoid similar problems. That gossip and tales always seem to sprout extra dimensions as they are passed along is nothing new.

The big question is, why do women – let’s admit it, this is a woman thing! – need to share bad news and embroider their own tales of pregnancy, labour and raising babies with expectant moms? Why does she have to hear about our 2 and a half day labour, when we know well that the first 36 hours of that was stop-start stuff, that far more time in labour is without contractions than with and that the prize at the end was well worth every ounce of effort? Do we not remember the anxiety in pregnancy about whether our babies would be well and normal, and about how we would deal with the pain of labour as we awaited or own births? It is quite true that women are not quite as admired as they should be for the life tasks of carrying, giving birth to and raising babies, but surely we don’t need to take this out on our sisters, our daughters, our friends, by adding to the inevitable challenges this phase of their lives hold? Should women not be the custodians of these special tasks of womanhood and the protectors of their own gender? More questions than answers it would seem!

Maybe it is simply thoughtlessness, but hopefully women reading this will think twice about what those casual words might do to the more emotional mom-to-be. There are so many good news stories to tell about pregnancy, birth and childrearing! Dig deep and share them with every expectant woman you can, especially those close and dear to you. Positivity fosters more positivity and we all know that good thoughts and feelings lead to better outcomes. This is just as true of pregnancy and birth. Tell her how much you believe in her, in women’s instinctive ability to give birth and in Mother Nature’s wisdom and systems. Praise her for carrying so well, offer to help her out when she is tired, share her excitement about baby’s arrival.

Imagine if at every stork tea, women gave the expectant mom a card with a beautiful story of pregnancy, birth or being a mother. One could include a list of the qualities that one thinks will make her great in this phase of her life. Each friend and family member could give her a few vouchers for a practical task that she can ‘cash in’ once baby is there.

Of course, cautionary myths in pregnancy, most of which have no roots in evidence, have been around for as long as womankind has. These already reflect the apparent need of the older generation to ‘tell’ younger women what to do and many of them are based on scare tactics. Arms should not be raised above the head for fear of the umbilical cord becoming tangled and knotted, drinking coffee will cause brown marks on baby’s skin, if baby is born at night he will be awake at night after birth too, eating oranges in pregnancy will cause jaundice in baby and you should not braid or plait your hair in pregnancy or baby might have some abnormality! Folk wisdom passed through the ages from woman to woman – sometimes there is some good advice behind the myth, like not having too much coffee in pregnancy, but the reasons attached are almost always untrue and instil anxiety and fear in women. Whereas women from long ago might really not have known better, with modern technology at our disposal, we are well able to check mom and baby’s health and progress throughout pregnancy, at least in the cities and towns. In this era, interpretation of medical technology often goes too far, leading to a new generation of mostly unnecessary scaremongering – about baby’s size, the need to induce birth early, reasons for a Caesarean section, and so on.

Once baby is there
While pregnancy sees most ‘advice’ centred on what could go wrong and how horrific birth might be, most ‘advice’ once baby is born centres on what the mom should do differently or is doing wrong, what might be wrong with the baby and comparisons with others’ parenting styles. Now, we all know that there is not only one correct way of raising a child, nor does every model suit every baby or parent. Just as individual as adults are, so are babies. This requires a little trial and error to discover what works best for the new family, which in itself faces adaptation as two becomes three.

Once a baby is born, even in a society that has by and large moved away from the extended family model, there is immediate curiosity to see and hold the infant, advise mom according to what worked for that person and analyse everything the new mom does. There is a wonderful side to the extended family model, as joys and woes can be shared, and it helps families stay in touch with the importance of their togetherness, traditions and shared experiences. However, so often those closest to a couple will become the hugest millstone around their necks, even while making some wonderful contributions to the new family. This is because advice is often of the ‘see, I told you so’ brand or the giver of advice is actually trying to improve on their own mistakes while appearing to know more than the new parents. Grandparents frequently believe their methods are best because after all, ‘look how you turned out’. Others, who sense anxiety and vulnerability in the new mother, take it that this is an open invitation to take over and show you what to do. The inherent nature of friends or relatives will dictate how they approach a new mother, whether they have a bossy streak, a task-oriented approach, prefer to play with baby than lend a hand with tasks around the home or are so selflessly attuned to the needs of the new family that they are more than happy to help out in the background and affirm the mother’s role in her baby’s life.

On the upside, new parents must see that everyone loves the excitement and joy surrounding the birth of a baby, and that many have the best intentions in the world when sharing their ideas and advice. It might simply take you stating quite clearly and in a friendly way what you prefer and choose to do, for attitudes and approaches to change. Take time to thank those close to you for what they do to help and ask very directly for assistance with specific tasks to show that you do want their involvement. The subtle message will reach all but the most insensitive! One can also ensure that close relatives feel involved and acknowledged by sending them special photos of cute moments and baby hand and footprint cards! Never forget that close relatives and friends, even if they seem critical, will be there for you when you really need assistance.